How much did i know my mum?

For the first time...For the first time in my whole life i felt that my mum is looking for sth..A couple of days ago, i sent her a song over msn.It was kind of a song that makes a person think and drink...When i sent the song,my sister did not really want to listen to it,because she is quite young for these sorts of songs,i assume..On the other hand, my mum, for the first time did not say that she didnt want to listen to anything. And she put her arm on the table, and leaned her head to her arm..And started singing this song..She told me that this was a perfect song to drink and recall memories of weird past..I got a promise her that we were gonna drink Rakı(This is a turkish drink, a really heavy alcohol..)together and get drunk..She accepted...From her eyes, from the way she was singing the song i felt loneliness..For the first time, yes i know i keep repeating myself but really the first time, i sensed that she needed someone..Someone to show her the care,love and appreciate the love she will give, which definitely and unfortunately my dad could not manage to appreciate and maintain..
It is a dream of every kid,whose parents are divorced,that the parents will get together..Or i never could think that my mum might need someone else,or might want someone to show her the kind of care that we, as kids, are not capable of carrying. I just knew her with the identity of being a mother for me and my sister, while she was firstly a human and a woman, and a beautiful person..She was like me and like all women as well before being my mother..She was suffering and yearning for sth..Something that she has never showed before..
I m more angry with my dad, for not appreciating what she did so far, for losing everything she gave him..He can wait as much as he wants now..He is late...i hope i never become like him..I m so scared to be similar to him.
Maybe this is called growing up..When you feel you are getting closer to your mum, and start to think what she might be feeling other than being a mother and caring for us..Am i growing up, since she cannot walk back to her early ages..??
P.S: On Valentine's day, i found myself being more busy with my mum's life..her need for love..
(Turkish)
Annem..Ilk defa annemi boyle gordum ben..Bu gozlerle gordum..Bu aralar ne zaman efkarlansam dinledigim bir sarki var..Tam meyhane sarkisi..Al rakini ve unutuncaya, gecmisine dair hicbir sey hatirlamayincaya kadar ic..Hirsiz Polis dizisinde calan muzik..Imkansiz Ask..Dinledigim en guzel meyhane sarkisi..Anneme yolladim onu gecen gun. Kardesim sanirim o buyume cagi simarikligindan dolayi cekip gitti sarkiyi dinlemek istemedigini ve benim cok alaturkalastigimi soyleyerek.(Ben rock ve metal dinlerim de genelde..bu arada kardesim 12 yasinda..o yuzden anlayisla karsiliyorum). Annem ise, kolunu masaya koyup, basini koluna dayadi..ve sarki calarken eslik etmeye basladi..Sanirim o anda aglayabilirdim..Soz aldim ondan..Yazin dondugumde karsilikli icip,efkarlanmak uzerine.
Ilk defa annemin ask acisi cektigini gordum..ilk defa ne kadar yalniz ve birine ihtiyaci oldugunu hissettim..Ona annelik gorevini o kadar yuklemisiz ki, megerse ben annemi hic bir kadin olarak dusunememisim..Gozlerinden,halinden,sarki soyleyisinden..Ben bu kadar uzulmedim annem icin hic daha onceden..Onun bir sevgiye ne kadar ihtiyaci oldugunu gordum..Bizlerin,cocuklarinin veremeyecegi cinsten bir sevgiye, ilgiye ne kadar muhtac oldugunu anladim bir anda..bir daha bulamamasindan korktum..Kalbim, anneminki yerinde atti bir sureligine..Korktum...Herseyden..
Babama daha cok kizdim..Onun askini, sevgisini tasiyamadigi icin..Ona yeteri kadar deger veremedigi icin..her seyi kaybettigi icin..
Belki de budur buyumek..Annene yaklasmak demektir..Annenin hissettiklerini daha farkli bir sekilde gormek,onun kelimelerinin arasini gormektir..Yoksa ben de mi buyuyorum...?
P.S: Sevgililer gununde ben anneme yaklasir buldum kendimi..Onun ihtiyacini dusundum..Ne hissetigini..bir kadin olarak,annelikten once..Ilk defa...