It is almost 1am, i m awake as usual..just drank some vodka..intended to be drunk, did not even work a bit..Wait a second..Last summer, when i drank the same amount of alcohol, at least i was tipsy quite a bit..Is my tolerance for alcohol getting higher, although i havent drunk for about a month..maybe..
Dunno..to be honest, i dont really want to think abot anything..and my mind is both empty and full at the same time..Or more like, full but pretending it to be empty..
Sometimes i really do want to expose myself, my thoughts..but then i get drowned in some stupid fear..thinking that, if i expose myself, i will get less than i might currently get from a person, the others will start thinking i m weak and easy..i dont know..
it is even hard for me to trust someone fully..I always have the feeling of betrayal..as if someone will defy and betray me..or maybe i m just stupid..and paranoid..
I wasnt used to be like this..why did i change....
Numbness is ahead, I write to defreeze myself..
Am I a good person?
Monday, May 22, 2006
Posted by Tugc at 12:50 AM
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14 comments:
Kendini aptal ya da paranoyak olarak görmeni gerektiren bi durum yok. Herkes etrafında küçük insancıklar yerine, bu gibi beklentilerini karşılayabailecek, kaliteli insanların olmasını ister.
İşin entersan yanı sen böle birilerini arayınca bulamazsın da ne hikmetse o seni arayıp bulur bazen. Öle anlarda ıska geçmemek lazım.
Değişmek demişsin. Ben ona büyümek diyorum, asla önüne geçemiyeceğin bir süreç.Onun için adapte olmaya bak, yadırgamaya değil.
yep i think so :P !
Virtuoso saolsun acıklarmıs :)
vituoso ve fatih,
arkadaslar beni unuttugunuzu sanmistim..ama unutulmamisim:) aman iste geliyorlar bana boyle ara ara napacaksiniz..beni boyle kabul ediverin..deli dolu, paranoyak, catlak, cilgin, duygusal, lafini esirgemeyen biri olarak:)
unutulmuş gibi hisseder insan çoğu zaman kendini ama öyle bi şey yok:))
ilgiyi ve sevilmeyi istiosun çabucak güvenmen bundan.ağzı sütten yanan biri söylüo bunu:D sana akıl veremem etrafındaki insanlar için..hepimiz çoğu zaman salakça hatalar yapıoruz,paranoyaklık da var..kendimizi kandırmanın alemi yok.bunu en çok yapanlardan biri de benim..:D
etrafındaki insanlar çok mu matah.hayır!alkol iç,rahatla.düşün.ağla!ama unutma ki yalnız değilsin..bi gün senin kıymetini de anlayacak insanlar çıkacak,inan bana!
burcyni,
canim benim insallah cikar da ben de bu paranoyakligimi unuturum..hani boyle sacmasapan cocukluklar yapsin isterim benimle..:)
Ablacım bu ne evlilik isteği,
burda bir yere koymuşsun lafı, aşağıdaki sohbetimizde yine "yabancı damat" lafı sıkışmış araya...
Hayırdır inşallah...
>herackles<
yok evlilik istegim henuz yok..ama gecmisteki 4 erkek arkadasindan 2si yabanci olunca, biraz dusunmeye deger kiliyorsun..hani olabilir belki.."let me take into consideration" manasinda:) gerci ben yine de uzak ulekere gitmedim, hep yakin ulkeler oldu:)
Tuğçe siten çok güzel olmuş :D Bırak şimdi bunları içinide pembe pembe yap hemen böyle ;) Boşveeer :D
İngilizcem çok iyi değil biliyorsun.Yarısını yazıdan,yarısınıda yorumlardan anladım yazdıklarının :D
Ama anladığım kadarıyla çok kafana takman gereken bişey yok ortada.
Akışına bırak herşeyi,bende yeni öğrendim bunu çok güzel oluyo. ;)
Ozgecim tesekkur ederim..ben boyle bir degisiklik yapayim dedim:)Takmamaya calisiyorum iste, ama oyle arada geliyorlar:) Ingilizceni gelistirmek istiyorsan, arada kitap oku derim ben:)
yes you are a good person, don't be ridiculous. and in terms of the bottom part of your post about exposing yourself, i say go for it. I think emotions should be expressed freely and you should always say what's on your mind. Forget living for regret. If someone thinks less of you, that's there deal. It doesn't change who you are. i don't know, but i just think being open about emotions is better than keeping them bottled up, even if it sometimes sucks b/c ppl respond weird. hang in there and hugs. hope summer is well :)
ryan,
Thanks:) well you know that most of the time i m pretty open anyways:) summer is fine, going to be better sometime hopefully:) take care..
You're definately not a bad person so stop being an idiot! :D
As much as I got a chance to know you, I think that you are a bit passive and shy or reserved or maybe frightened sometimes; about certain things. :D
I can't really explain it properly so I'll shut up, since I don't want to be missunderstood. No harm or disrespect intended... You pretty much put it well on your blog... so you know what you mean :D
When it comes emotions, I can say for myself that the thing that drives me mad is when someone you care about is being too pollite instead of just simply being honest.
I have the same fears... about being betrayed that is, but then again, I think that fear doesn't really solve anything. It just inhibits things from moving on, evolving and being solved. It is like trying to solve an algebraic equation by chewing gum... And I have a feeling that some of these fears were passed on to you from me somehow.
But then again, I am as naive as one can be. I always show my feelings and speak my mind, regardless of what other people might say or think. I give a lot but want a lot in return.
I can't say it is the most popular option, since simetimes people are affraid of the truth and dislike it (me included) but it is the way I am. And I can't say that it's a bad thing, for the few people that have come to appreciate this have made my life beautiful.
Cheers!
Kabooom
>roman!<
You know what, i agree with you..can you believe that, i agree:) hehe, kidding..Well, i guess you are right about htinking that some of those stuff passed to me from you..actuakky i adopted a lot of bad and nice things from you, and i guess the same goes for the oher way around too.we call this, interaction:)
The only thing bad about being honest ist, sometimes when i am honest it sounds like i m lying and then i get isunderstood again..but i guess, as the time goes, we ll somehow learn..or maybe we ll keep being young and stupid always:)
What i want the most is, to take out the kid inside of me which i buried in somewhere, thinking that i shouldnt be childish:)but overall, i guess that s what makes a person fun:)
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