Sometimes you feel as though you are angry with the whole entire world..mainly with the people you think of some importance..or maybe again we are the ones to give meanings to people, they do not necessarily hide a meaning beyond their existence..and even their behaviours and actions are not enough in order to make them meaningful or possessive of an adjective to describe themselves..but what you think of them is the thing, that implies and loads them meanings..otherwise, they would be empty in your mind, wouldnt they?
How many times you think of a meaning for a random person passing in the street without even noticing him/her? Never most probably..
What is more, you even start to scare yourself because of the meanings you load to people in your life..they scare you, not because of who or what they are, but because you load them more or less than what they are...Love is not the only necessity to think of a person in an imaginary world..just the random, routine life and thoughts of ours lead everyone to that imaginary world anyways..
Sometimes, you just run away..run away from yourself, lock all your doors..yes, you expect the ones you care to try it hard, to open it..and you forget that you closed all the doors they may attempt to sneak in,however you dont forget the expectation you have previously put yourself in..The expectation of someone trying to hammer the doors you have closed..in order to get to you..maybe that was what you wanted to see..the hammering..but you still find yourself in an endless runaway..because you are scared..scared of the unrealized expectations of yours...
So you walk away..you pass by the known and the unknown places...forgetting the locked doors..
Numbness is ahead, I write to defreeze myself..
Endless Runaway
Friday, June 09, 2006
Posted by Tugc at 12:20 AM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
16 comments:
If you are hammered into the ground all your life, by people that you care about and respect a lot, and which say they care about you as well, then you tend to have impossible expectations towards new people you meet that eventually claim they care about you, to prevent the hammering (into the ground that is) from happening again. It is all because you don't like it and want to make sure that it is not what will happen after you open your heart again.
But since the expectations are impossible regardless, hammering into the ground happens regardless, after a certain point.
The doors you barricade yourself with are thus impossible to break... but you still want to see, if someone will manage, or at least to see who amongst those who get to learn how impossible it is will try, thus giving meaning and value to your existence.
And then life is supposed to go on. But why doesn't it? What is the thing that enables you to swallow the pain of disappointment and keeps you trying over and over again, failing again and again, on without end. What is the thing that prevents you from embracing the world you used to belong to, prevents you from being able to see and admire the beauty of things around you, that you used to be able to see and like; prevents you from moving on.
I don't know. And instead of looking for answers, I tend to look for comfort. And can't find any. And the circle is complete. And starts all over again.
P.S. : As naive as I am, believing all people are born with a good and honest heart, carrying certain potentials and gifts within them, I dislike what you wrote in the begining of your post. I would find it very arrogant and disgusting of myself, if I were to believe I am in a position to give judgement on the value of people's lives; who's life is meaningful and who's is not... as in: "Hey dude, your life (and what you are doing with it) is worthless." or discrediting people and the value of their deeds (I am not saying that everything everyone does is fine by me, I am just saying that no one should believe they have the right to hammer someone into the ground because that person's actions, regardless of how much care and effort this person invests into what they are doing, are meaningless according to them). And I guess talking about giving more or less supposed meaning to someone than they supposedly actually have is hypocritical in itself; I see it as not being honest to that person.
I guess I can't really put my finger on the exact way I want to explain this, so I'll leave it at that.
If I wanted to be pessimistic, I could say this whole thing refers to me (or was inspired by me) in which case I have nothing further to say to you.
All in all,
Good Night.
And don't take me too seriously. :)
RomaN
If you are hammered into the ground all your life, by people that you care about and respect a lot, and which say they care about you as well, then you tend to have impossible expectations towards new people you meet that eventually claim they care about you, to prevent the hammering (into the ground that is) from happening again. It is all because you don't like it and want to make sure that it is not what will happen after you open your heart again.
But since the expectations are impossible regardless, hammering into the ground happens regardless, after a certain point.
The doors you barricade yourself with are thus impossible to break... but you still want to see, if someone will manage, or at least to see who amongst those who get to learn how impossible it is will try, thus giving meaning and value to your existence.
And then life is supposed to go on. But why doesn't it? What is the thing that enables you to swallow the pain of disappointment and keeps you trying over and over again, failing again and again, on without end. What is the thing that prevents you from embracing the world you used to belong to, prevents you from being able to see and admire the beauty of things around you, that you used to be able to see and like; prevents you from moving on.
I don't know. And instead of looking for answers, I tend to look for comfort. And can't find any. And the circle is complete. And starts all over again.
P.S. : As naive as I am, believing all people are born with a good and honest heart, carrying certain potentials and gifts within them, I dislike what you wrote in the begining of your post. I would find it very arrogant and disgusting of myself, if I were to believe I am in a position to give judgement on the value of people's lives; who's life is meaningful and who's is not... as in: "Hey dude, your life (and what you are doing with it) is worthless." or discrediting people and the value of their deeds (I am not saying that everything everyone does is fine by me, I am just saying that no one should believe they have the right to hammer someone into the ground because that person's actions, regardless of how much care and effort this person invests into what they are doing, are meaningless according to them). And I guess talking about giving more or less supposed meaning to someone than they supposedly actually have is hypocritical in itself; I see it as not being honest to that person.
I guess I can't really put my finger on the exact way I want to explain this, so I'll leave it at that.
If I wanted to be pessimistic, I could say this whole thing refers to me (or was inspired by me) in which case I have nothing further to say to you.
All in all,
Good Night.
And don't take me too seriously. :)
RomaN
alright once again a thought inspiring post tugce...good job :-P i agree with the first part of what you said about assigning meaning to people. It's not that those people don't have meaning inherent in them just that each and everyone of us will percieve that meaning differently.
Now with the parts i disagree with. I agree with the fact that we do run scared sometimes but i think that it's not so wrong of us to want people to come banging on the door. But just b/c you shut the door on one person that doesn't respond by banging down the door does NOT mean that the door is immediately closed to others. I just think everyone has their own door and eventually you'll find people that will come banging on any door you set up and will break it down, sweeping you off your feet.
just try and not get expectations so high just yet...you're still young. yes it's getting to be that time where you expect more out of ppl and look for the person to break down the door but it doesn't mean all is lost if someone doesn't.
i have no idea if any of this makes sense but i hope at least some of it does and maybe i'll be able to explain it more eloquently later or back at UR...*hugs* and smile, life is too short not to :D
the sad part is that we never learn from our mistakes but keep on locking more and more doors behind, thinking that someone really special would know how to hammer them open and reach out to us. Well, such people don't exist. Noone is willing to run against locked doors all the time, hoping to reach out to you, me, whoever in the end.
And yet, I personally keep on locking the doors everywhere I go, not letting anyone get to me, noone to hurt me any more... And that's how I hurt myself...
>RomaN<
You might be right, but those were what i thought..the impossibility of the hammering..well, they are not that strong doors and can be broken once tried.Plus, about the meaningless part..what i wrote was general, which includes me inside too.so that makes me meaningless too..i didnt intend to offend anyone or be arrogant, since i m not..i just think, it is not that we give people meanings, but the interactions between people tend to give different meanings to them, and it is not only what they are..
I didnt misunderstand or get angry with you, so chill out..;)btw, arent you a similar person who barricades the doors?;)
>Ryan<
sometimes i get weird and write these stuff:)my expectations are not high, andi still know how to smile loudly...:) plus, you know once i start making fun of someone with you, it is really cool and amusing:) (not making fun i a nasty way though). just when i look into myself, i find these interesting thoughts and try to reason them in order to find why i may behave in a weird way:)
>kate<
i guess, i will be allmost completely agree with you..you lock the dorrs and you are the one to be hurt..so am i;) but since you are my spouse, we ll somehow figure it out in a better way:D
please e mail me for reconstruction download link :))
>bulsara<
ok..thank you:D
Darling I fall more and more in love with your blog each time I come over this way :-) Your so deep chick!
Anyway back to the locked doors. I'm 28 and went through life keeping my doors well and truely locked, but as I did that, I also searched for someone to open them, I must admit I had lots of fun during my search over the years ;P but then one day I saw the love of my life, and the doors were opened :-)
Hope you have a great weekend, and I hope its as hot as it is in London :-)
>kel<
thanks a lot for your compliment about my blog..i just write down some pieces of my mind and heart here, and play with words:) i guess i dont search for anything or anyone to unlock my doors..but you are lucky darling, and you should keep your faith up;)
The heat is not burning us these days, and the sun is mostly up..and i love it:)
tugce-
yea i know that you still have a loud smile...it's a good one :D and yes, we do have a good time making fun of ppl in a good-hearted way :-P anyways hope all is well in turkey :)
>ryan<
yes, that is the key word:) "making fun of people in a good-hearted way"..i guess, that is one of the things i really love doing:)
Thanks for the compliment about my smile:)
yanlışl anladın galiba :)) burdaki mail adresini kullanmaya devam ediyormusun eğer etmiyorsan geçerli bi mail adresi ver ki sana download linklerini yolluyayım dedim :))
>bulsara<
yanlis yazdin galiba:) neyse..ben sana mil aticam bugun,ok?;)
heyy arkadaş türkçe konuş ya :( hiç bişe anlamıyorum yazdıklarından hehe (:
>23<
bazen ingilizce yazmak daha kolay geliyor da, o zamanlar postlarim ingilizce oluyor:) kusura bakma.
I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you!
india singapore reliable webhost venice hotels clarica lifeinsurance canada mortgage protection selling web domains consolidated student loans farmer's insurance and richmond beach ca health insurance plan tampa car in indiana sell west chester university auto warranty dedicated hosting vermont student health insurance harrahs casino in nc internet domain erie county department of motor vehicles drive advertising with free car second mortgage company
Post a Comment